What Could Have Been

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How do you comfort someone who lost a gonna be loved one?

A friend at work lost what was then a close friend. But their relationship was heading towards both of them being an item.

It happened exactly a week ago and this night last week, they were together enjoying what was left of the weekend and dreading the Monday, I guess, and come Monday morning, less than eight hours after they last met, one of them was gone. He was only twenty-four.

It was still a gonna be loved one because he was still in the process of wooing her. He was fussing over her, not letting her traveling alone, not letting her eat alone, not letting her do anything alone. He would wait for her in front of the whole world.

And now he’s gone. Now the chair that is always next to her will be perpetually empty. The one meant for it is no longer around. She was crying when she finally pushed the chair away.

The only thing I could say to her was to cry her heart out and when she is done doing that, come and rejoin us, the living. I didn’t know if I did the right thing or otherwise, I still don’t, but I am lousy at dealing with such tragedies. Very few of us are good at it. About the only thing I could offer was a sympathetic ear and a promise to help in whatever way I could. I meant those though.

What could have been was never meant to be.

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At The Car Wash

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Red and me went to the nasi dagang party in Taman Tun to celebrate Pok Ku’s blogging success. As usual, someone else did the driving – Red picked me up near the masjid bulat in PJ since I am the second best direction finder in the world, all the rest are tied for number one, and off we went. I know how to get in and out of Taman Tun but that’s it.

Well, the location was classical I think. Where we had dinner, the place had a banner atop it that proudly proclaimed that you could have your car washed, vacuumed and polished there. Red would probably put up a photo of the place in his blog.

Other than Red, there is someone I already know, Mokciknab’s sister. So we were not that totally alone. But all the same, we ended up at a table far from others and when Mokciknab asked us why, my answer was straight and true.

“Teruna timur, pemalu”

Ya, sure. At least I thought it was funny. Yeah, I laugh at my own jokes. I do that sometimes.

And I became famouslah. A long time ago, a friend told me that she went to a studio and saw Robert de Niro and de Niro saw her too. So that makes her famous. Using the same corollary, being seen by someone famous makes one famous. Or something like that lah. So, a few famous people saw me and I’m famous. You make sense out of that. There was one more famous person but since that person did not want to be acknowledged that night, I’ll bide by the request. But then, why not? We are among friends I presume.

Mokciknab was concerned about the food. The food was fine and the company was finer. Try listening to Pak Adib and Pok Ku talking about Latin Quarters, theatre, religion, old war stories and books. I feel so small.

Well, from now on I have an additional task - I will read Fatin’s blog regularly, I have a vested interest and I could relate to her stories more as I have met her.

That was a Saturday night well spent. Thanks Mokciknab and Pok Ku for the lovely time. About the only thing I forgot to ask was where was the tin Milo?

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Because of You....

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Here's what I got in an email today....

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2004. You might or might not be one of them but I'll thank you all the same. It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any car park, even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Colombia, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in labs so places like McDonalds can sell Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties now I don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced cheques that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new mobile phone never arrived, and neither did the tickets for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.

OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you don't send this in an e-mail form to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tonight at 7:00 pm.

Here's to an even better informed 2005 !

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Friends Like I Do

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Nazzim is in Year 6 this year and he will be taking his UPSR at the end of the year. We hope he will do well and maybe if he wants to, we could try getting him into a boarding school. The alumni is always ready to help fellow alumni whose children are qualified. But Lina insists that it has to be nearby. Not one that is a few hundred kilometers away. I did want to say what’s the point if it is nearby but then I better not. She does have that majority voting right in some instances (51% versus my 49%) and this is one of them.

Lina surprised me a few days ago when she said that she wanted him to get into a boarding school and have the kind of friends that I do. Not that you can’t get good friends in the normal school but you know what I mean.

“Mama nak Abang Long ada kawan macam Papa”

That was what she said. I was a bit surprised. I know that she knows all of my close friends and though from the beginning of our marriage, she’d make faces when I say that I am going out to meet with W or J or H or R, to name a few but she never made a big case out of it, mainly because they are harmless as friends. I think the worst thing we ever did was stay out till five in the morning. But I think she’d want to say a word or two if any one of them asked me out regularly to trawl for girls or booze but so far that was not the case.

I guess I am blessed with some good friends from school. W would call me twice or three times a month for teh tarik. We’d try to rope in others if possible, otherwise it’s just the two of us. They have never really asked me for any sort of help but I know that they are always there to help any one of us. Especially that one called J. J is still as patronizing as ever and I have given up trying to tell him to quit doing that. R is still the same as he was in school, only better. As for H, he could talk and talk about most anything but one thing about whatever that comes out of his mouth, it makes sense. Not rubbish.

There are a few others and I do hope that Nazzim will ada kawan macam Papa.

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My Friend The Corporate Hotshot

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Last Friday evening after work, I sat down at Dome KLCC again with my friend K, watch the world go round and watch him get naughty with Yasmin. Heh heh, K sounds a lot worse than he really is. Yes, he enjoys seeing her once or so a week but that’s it. He’s a nice guy actually. Unless, of course there’s a dark side of him that I am not aware of. Slap me silly and call me Luke.

K got a huge promotion a few weeks ago. Huge as in real big. Let’s put it this way – he became his boss’ boss.

Get out of here!! He nodded his head.

Get out of here!! He nodded his head again.

This is huge. Nothing like this since the son-in-law thing. You know, the son-in-law thing. But K is no one’s son-in-law, you know what I mean K.

Now, I told him, you ought to be playing golf like a dervish. He’s not a golfer yet. I sense a challenge but he has agreed to start so that’s a bummer, no challenge there for me. RM 3,500 for a desirable set of irons (which I could not afford), another RM 2,900 for some woods (which I could not afford too), and another RM 500 for a good putter (this, I could afford),. Add a golf bag, shoes, glove, this and that, let’s say a total of RM 8,000. Plus lessons at RM 200 an hour, with me. The lessons actually cost about RM 50 an hour but what are friends for.

“Look, you got to start playing because the people you do business with play golf, it’s as simple as that!!”

"Imagine the chairman asking you if you know all those people and you said no. He's not going to be very impressed."

“Hobnob!!!”, I said

He nodded again.

Get the BMW AND the Merc. You deserve it. I deserve it.

Let’s put it this way, the only Malaysian higher than him in the hierarchy is the chairman. The MD is an expat and that is the next step for him. I could ride on his coat-tails but he thinks I am too funny to be of any use to him.

“You should be going around to your clients' offices and introduce yourself to GM’s, MD’s, Chairmen and all those high and mighty”, I said.

“Helloooo, I am K, the Senior General Manager of Tarakucakuca, nice meeting you."

"Nice meeting you. Nice meeting you. Nice meeting you. You too ma’am. Lovely fingers you have there ma'am.”

Do they have any sort of beginner’s courses for the up and coming folks? Like the finishing school for the ladies? Finishing school for the ladies, what a riot.

Start finishing your sentences with “what”, “eh”, slot in “old boy” and “by jove” and the odd “oi’s” whenever possible and start staining those fingers with those Havanas. And importantly, stop dressing like me!!!

I wonder when is our next session to celebrate his promotion….

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Need More Money

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Have you taken a look at your expenses lately? Just this morning, I spent RM 7.90 on toll charges, parking and breakfast. I spent RM 34.60 yesterday, on nothing. By the end of today, I would probably spend the same amount too. It would be more if I were to pay the bills, i.e. phone, water, electricity, the TV, sewerage, municipal taxes and district taxes. Add groceries, gas for the cars, here, there, this, that, knick, knack, a pick and a pack, this lesson, that lesson and a quick calculation shows that my monthly “must” expenditure is about………. Oh my Zod, that sounds like a monthly salary. It is a monthly salary.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like the Abba song :

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That's too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn't have to work at all, I'd fool around and have a ball...

Hmm…., got to find me a rich man. No, that won’t work. No one would want me. I could chop off anything, anything at all but if any guy takes a fancy, it’s time to put him to sleep.

Rob a bank? No, I’d get caught.

Cheat? No, not good at that. Furthermore, no access to lots of money.

Marry a rich widow? An option, but I don’t have the time to find one and don't know how to woo one. Hmmmm……, maybe my old exterminator buddy, Radarman could help.

Sell insurance? Not good at that either. And too much hard work.

Sell those mutual fund things. Not good at that either. And too much hard work too.

Join a MLM outfit. Don’t have the savvy talk (You are a dynamic person and I know that you have it in you to buy that waterfront property in Perth). Perth? I’ll settle for any body of water here.

Eh, this one sounds like Amway only? Eh, Amway aaa? Why change to Network 21? He never answered the question.

Beg. Can’t do that.

Steal. What?

Borrow. Have to pay back.

Sell things that do not belong to me. That might work. They, after all, have managed to “sell” the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty and even the Empire State Building. This is good. But what? There are the Twin Towers. Genting is good. Oh, that gives me an idea….

Gamble and win in Genting. I could get in, change my name, fake the accent and go play and win. Fake IC’s are easy to get, ask your maids, they’d know. Hey, that gives me another idea…..

Singapore wants to set up their own gambling outfit on the island (they say Lee Kuan Yew is having daily fits seeing all the Singaporeans and their money making a beeline for Genting) and they might be interested in Genting. Ready-made, turnkey. Buy it, chop it off and sail it off down south. But then, they might just take it, like Pulau Batu Putih. But then I don’t make any money. No no no, cannot…..

Aaaaah……, living this thing called life. You need money, money and more money.

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Le Duktur

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Last Wednesday, I took a relative to see someone in Sentul. Now, this someone is really special. It was said that he is a doctor. It was said that he is also a Datuk, as in the title and not as in the grandfather. Now this relative of mine heard that this someone, let’s call him the Man, is really good at curing all illnesses under the sun, the moon and the stars. The source of this information is a taxi driver, who somehow, manages to convince this relative of mine, who is living in Brunei, that the Man could help her. All the way to Sentul we were bombarded with the virtues of the Man.

The taxi driver said that he once fell off six (read my lips, 6) steps (anak tangga), landed on his face and was injured (I saw him pointing to a scar on his face) but he went to see the Man and the next day he was able to go to Friday prayers. Strong medicine. The only thing we can deduce from that is that it happened on a Thursday. Later it was five steps and not six.

When we reached his house, there were two other guys singing praises of the Man. Aiyo, this man could do things that only the angel Jibrail could do, cutting people here and there without any anesthetic or bleeding. He doesn’t look like a doctor but I guess there are some scruffy doctors in Pagoda T-shirts. Our friend Kamil is a scruffy looking doctor, so OK, I got no problems with that. But then he does not sound like one either. He does not sound like someone who has been through medical school. He sounds like my neighbour’s husband back in the old Kampung Bukit Kuda and the husband was a Javanese lorry driver. And oh, Kamil does not sound like a Javanese lorry driver.

And the two praise-singing clowns lit up like the sun when they heard that my relative is from Brunei. Down boys, whoa!!! Down boys!! Not everyone from Brunei is related to the Sultan of Brunei or has a house next to the Sultan of Brunei or on a first name basis with the Sultan of Brunei or can dip into the coffers of the Sultan of Brunei whenever he or she feels like it. And no, the Sultan of Brunei DO NOT simply give money to his subjects as the story goes.

The information about this guy is priceless. Examples are :

He was a medical doctor and after treating the former Raja Permaisuri Agung for breast cancer, the Sultan of Selangor asked him to stop work and leave the medical profession.

Why, the Sultan asked him to do that, I don’t know. I guess slotting the names of royalty anywhere in the conversation would lend the story more credibility. Ladies, forget about losing parts of your body, the Man is here.

Not enough being a medical doctor, he also has PhD in some field or another.

This piece of information started to ring bells in my head. Very few medical doctors are PhD holders and what are the chances that they are operating out of a single-storey terrace house in Sentul and sounds like Javanese lorry drivers?

He is so good that the doctors at IJN buys medicine from him.

I can imagine the doctors from IJN calling him :

“Doktor, Doktor, we need some of those green pills that you have.”

“Yes, those green ones. Yang Ijo tu. And some of those brown ones too. Yang beraun tu chugak.”

“Yes, yes, ten dozens of each. Sepuluh thozen ache.”

“The yellow ones? Oh, OK. If you say so, Doktor, I’ll take ten dozens of them too.”

“Thank you, Doktor, we’ll send the van over to pick them up.”

If IJN buys their medicine from Sentul, I’m not going to IJN.

Things that he says simply puts me off. One man who was there when we arrived, while taking what looks like a bottle of mineral water from the Man, asked what should he do if the doctor treating his mother objects to her drinking the water. His answer, splash it on the doctor’s face. Then he told of a tale where a doctor and him were treating different patients and while his patient recovered and the doctor’s patient died. Duuuh, so did my younger brother’s cat after he treated the poor thing. My cat, on the other hand, lived to a very old age. I’m a very good animal doctor. My brother, on the other hand, is not. He only pandai urut-urut orang.

And to top it up, he charged RM 200 for a bottle of what looks like Gatorade and four small vials of the same thing too. Plus instructions on what to do with all the aqua, which I shall not divulge in here.

So, we went back and I told that relative of mine that I have no faith in the Man and her sister agreed with me. The sister said that there is a better place, run by this one man, I am sure many of us have heard of him, and he does not put a price tag on his services, just sumbangan ikhlas, and RM 200 would go a long way in this other guy’s place.

So, she junked the Gatorade but I don’t know if she went to the other place for I think I have had enough of doctors, real or otherwise.

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