Sinless Souls

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Most families have one. Some, like in Zazu’s family, have two. Oh, OK, some of you don't know Zazu. He’s the hornbill in The Lion King. Mufasa's major domo. Still in the dark? Either you look for a light switch or a candle or you go and get the VCD.

Most families will have one. One brother or sister who gets away with murder. One brother or sister who does the least but gets the most. Usually it is a son but then it is not a monopoly. He is also the same one that the mother dreams leaving the business to even though the only thing he knew about hard work is how hard it is to wake up in the morning. Usually it’s the mother but then again it’s not a monopoly. This is the same one that the mother dreams of sending overseas even though he did not memorise the multiplication tables.

Many don’t have to work. The favourite do not have to. Many don’t even have to study. You can’t study? It’s OK, we’ll get you all the tuition teachers you need? Still can’t study? Stupid tuition teachers, we’ll get you others, better ones. You didn’t pass the exams? It’s OK, you were sick during exam week. Just your luck, you were alright the other 51 weeks but you were sick during that particular week. Otherwise, you’d get all A’s instead of the 8 D’s and 2 F’s that you have now. You can’t get a job? Your father will help you. Father, you know what to do. A cushy job, please. What? The supervisor at work is victimizing you? My God, what’s happening to this world? Why did all 18 of my child’s supervisors turned out to be maniacs?

Whoever marries the favourite will have a good life. Until he or she becomes a mother- or father-in-law. Nature should dictate that the punishment should fit the crime. But sometimes it does not. They sometimes get away scot free. Money? Your money is your money, my money is our money and the others’ money is our money too. You want to start a business? It’s OK, I’ll get each of your brother and sister to cough up a few thousand each. That should do it. If you fail the first time, it’s OK, there’s more where that came from. You want to get married? Just get your handsome looking face ready, we'll do the rest. You want a bike? You want a car? A house?

Familiar?

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Kau Awang?

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I didn't plan on playing golf last Saturday but my cousins Hady and Awang asked me to join them and it was difficult to say no. I enjoy being with them. Hady is a year older than me and Awang is a lot younger than either of us. Hady is by far the cousin whom I am closest to and I have always liked how Awang treats me - as an older brother. He has got an excellent personality and is always cheerful and bubbly.

I only knew Awang's real name about 5 or 6 years ago when he started working. He took out his business card and proudly handed it to me.

"Awang, ni nama kau Awang?"

"Ha ah", he said.

"You're with KLSE ha? Any tips for me, on how to make a million dollars?"

"Let me make my first million dulu."

Why "Awang"? The only reason we could think of was that his mother is from Terengganu. Well, after 25 years, that's not bad. Then there was one all of us calls "Adik". Same case, he handed me his card and only then I knew what his real name is. I thought it was "Adik" :)

But then we have 3 "Adiks". When someone shouts "Adiiiikkkk...", one "Adik" would say to the other two, "Ha, itu Mak Kai panggil siapa tu?"

"I think she is calling you, after all, it is your mother who is calling out tu kan?"

"Ya, makes sense", he'd say.

All through our lives, we'd meet during Hari Raya, kenduris, weddings and of course funerals. I mean, there was never really any need to know them by any other name other than Awang and Adik.

Then there was "Baby". My sister-in-law upsetted his brother when she called him "Baby" in school one day. Well, they were calling him "Baby" at home then.

But then when I introduced a friend to a girl this way once, "Ni Jalil but you can call him Manja", he flipped. Good thing the ploy worked. I mean, it is not hard to forget a guy called "Manja" kan? He ended marrying the girl. Well, it helped that he was a nice guy.

Better than Tin-tin.

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Birthday Crisis

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Oh my Zod, crisis. Yes, oh my Zod. From Superman The Movie.

Lina’s birthday is next week. What do I get her? It would be hard if the question is what do you get a girl who has everything? No, that is certainly not the case. It’s more of a what do you get a lady who has pretty much what she needs but she surely would like to have more. Who doesn’t?

Nazzim and Sofia are no help. He suggested a table cloth.

“A table cloth? Why a table cloth?”

He just shrugged and said, “Well, for one, she would like one”. And smiled.

“How do you know that? She bought a zillion of those before we returned home four years ago, remember?” He smiled again.

Naahhhh, not a table cloth. Ooooo..., if there is one thing that is difficult about my better half, it’s getting her a birthday present. If I were really filthy rich I’d get her the Hope Diamond or the Crown Jewels or for heaven’s sake, I’ll get her the Tower of London to go along with the Crown Jewels.

But I’m not. I’ve tried buying her jewellery before, twice, but both times it was not a resounding success because, welllll…….., she simply didn’t like what I bought. Hmmm.., good thing I love her, so, for the next few times it was let’s go to Habib Jewels and you pick up what you like. Of course there is a price cap since my last name is not Vanderbilt, Mellon, Rockefeller or Rothschild. Neither is it Gates. In one of our forays into Pak Habib's store, she ended buying me a diamond ring. Yeah, me, a diamond ring. Oh my Zod.

It was too good to last. Last year she told me that she didn’t feel like she wanted jewellery for her birthday. For the love of me, I can’t recall what did I get her then. My pride prevents me from going to her and saying “Uh dear, what did I get you for your birthday last year?” I knew we got her a card and all of us signed it. Sofia was so excited about her mama’s birthday that she signed it “I love yoy, Mama”. Then she scribbled the tail of the “y” off and it looked somewhat like a “u”. Or a “u” that’s flipping it’s tail so fast. Both of them get excited over everyone else’s birthday.

Wait, there was one big success in my birthday present buying portfolio. The purse that she is using now. She liked it so much. But it was too much of a success that she refuses to part with it. I offered to buy her a new purse a while back but she said that she don’t want one since she likes the one that she has. Ai yai yai yai yai…….

Well, it seems like it’s Habib time again this year.

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Diving Midwife and Other Tales

Somehow we did not do as well as we had hoped. Got to do some post mortem on our performance. Did a post mortem on our performance.

Simply, we are lousy bowlers, ekekekekekeke….!!! Sorry if that scared you, took that right out of the emails going around in the e-group. OK, I promise I won't do that again. Right, we are lousy bowlers. Maybe too, it was because of our repeated visits to the smoking room or maybe it was the hotdogs. No, that was after the game. Right, a classic case of trying to blame something or someone else, ek….., sorry nearly did that shrieking thingy again.

I started the day right, I think, impatient to pick up Sofia from her Jawi class. Shoot, her mama, her brother and herself beat me to it - they left the house before I did. Went to school to pick up the five Budi students and after a few words of wisdom from “I-can’t-join-you-guys-this-year” Penghulu Wak Tam, we set off for the Sunway Megalanes. Lunch was a healthy meal at KFC with the Budi students. As healthy as fried chicken could be. Nothing was wasted, I can tell you that. Have lunch with five teenagers and see food disappear. Like magic.

Last year, our ayam tambatan (moi) became ayam goreng (moi too) and this year another cornerstone of our team simply could not make it. So Sabri became our Bidan Terjun. Bidan Terhojun. Diving Midwife. Last minute replacement. Team saver. Call it whatever you like. Though he was like a bad girl (he went everywhere…) at least he was there and hey, a hand that is willing to throw the ball is better than one that is not. Somehow, that sounded better in my head, I swear. Scout’s honour……. At least no one person pulled the team’s score down, like what happened last year (see the part where I wrote about the ayam goreng above). And like right out of some P. Ramlee movie, the prizes for the winners went something like this – RM 100 and 100,000 Rupiahs, RM 100 and 5 Pounds and RM 100 and 1,000 Dinars.

Thanks to Liwau for organizing and I heard Che Na also helped in the hard work. Again, Liwau, next year we’ll book all 48 lanes ya? Next year we will have a team shirt, that’s for sure. Hey, maybe that’s it!! Maybe that’s why we didn’t do well. No team shirt!! OK, doggone it, we’ll have one next year. After all, we have the most commercial name among all the teams, ha!!! I mean you just say Cap Beruang and visions of us appear right before your eyes, doesn’t it? Could be scary ya? Come on, don’t lie, it’s not nice. Whoops, someone’s pants is on fire……..

Next year too, watch out you guys. Too bad I only met Calvin last week but by this time next year, it would have been a year and then some since Mr. unKline imparted a few tips to me and a lot of things, good things especially, can happen in a year’s time. That was what I said last year but then that is the most wonderful thing isn’t it? Next year people, you simply watch out, muerekekekekekek….!!! Oh, it’s a different one, I kept my promise, didn’t I? Hope I didn’t scare you too.

Ramblings of a Rambler

I’d like to write more about people and I have had a request to do so but that might not be possible as I might write things that offend the subject. I could go for some safe person but that would be rather bland and boring, wouldn’t it? But then, whose life isn’t? I mean, most of us lead rather normal, sedate lives and very few of us do have the chance of seducing a prince or princess on a yacht in the Mediterranean or off Corfu. Or be a spy in the mould of Bond, James Bond. It’s hilarious actually. And in no way it is written that a normal, sedate life is wrong.

Let’s face it. Even Mother Theresa herself said and I quote, “Accordingly”. Many of us wish that we’d have a more exciting life, and I am one of them, I think, but we just take whatever we could get our hands on.

Do I lead an exciting life? Maybe not. No, make that a definite no. But then I have managed to do things that many others have not and at the same time I have not been able to do some things that I’d like to do too. My wife’s best friend was a trekker and mountain climber in his bachelor days and he was planning to go to Nepal and try maybe climbing K2 or Kanchenjunga (forget about Everest, the waiting list was far too long, he said) when he met her. Kaboom!!! Just like that, as we say it, “Nepal hentah kemana, K2 hentah kemana”. But he’s happy, though I think he still has that teeny weeny vision about a mountain waving at him. But when you get struck by lightning, you get struck by lightning. No ands, ifs or buts about it.

I realized that I have just described my self too. Ah, well…..

That’s why I tell our young ‘uns to do things that they want to do now. Today. Seize the day!! Carpe diem, semper fi or whatever.

At least I am looking forward to bowling session tomorrow. My, it does not take much to make me happy, doesn’t it?

Happiness is relative, isn’t it? Recently I listed down our monthly have-to-spend list and it came to a tidy some. It could easily be the salary of many a worker here in Malaysia. But nowhere compared to a friend who said that he must have Twenty Thousand Ringgits every month just to meet his obligations. That’s a lot of obligations. That’s a lot of Ringgits. But wait a minute, I know what you are thinking. If I have that amount of money, all my problems would be solved. It might, it might not, who are we to say? But remember, the person who earns a thousand a month admires a person who earns two thousand who in turns admires a person who earns four thousand a month and so on. Each thinks that by doubling the income, all the ills and bad wills will go away. Strange, but I am as broke now as I was when I was earning half the amount. Maybe it’s a law of nature that no one not discovered yet. Heh heh, the Beruang Law, yeah, that sounds good, the Beruang Law. Eat your heart out, Mr. Murphy.

Ooooo, I’m rambling. But then, I have been rambling since about 500 words ago. Have a nice weekend, world.

Life in the Fast Lanes

I have been neglecting my family for the past 2 weeks. You see, I have been practising bowling in preparation for the biggest event in my high school’s calender - the annual alumni bowling tournament!!!

We came in 6th out of 28 teams last year. Commendable, would have been better had I not fumbled, ha!! Rostam bowled well. Rano was the best among us and Haji Samat (plain old Samat then) carried his own weight. My fervent wish for this year is that I do not drag down the team with some poor scores. Wishful thinking? Hopefully not. Got a few pointers from Calvin (not Mr. Klein, just plain Calvin) at Endah Parade last night. Too little too late? Again, hopefully not.

Must remember to let the ball swing like a pendulum and right leg first, one, two, three, skid and throw. One, two, three, skid and throw, that should be easy enough. Skid and throw, skid and throw. Plant the left foot down first. Then throw.

Five boards to the right, and then another five boards. Or ten boards, it depends. Oh brother...!!

Use the fingers and shoulders only, as a pendulum and not the arms. Never the arms. Never the arms!!! Leave the arms alone!!!

Never manhandle the ball, after all, it does weight 15 lbs!!! Let the weight do the job. Hands under the ball (or at 12 o’clock as Calvin said), then just before it reaches bottom twist it just a bit (to 10 o’clock, as Calvin said) to get that hook just right.

Women and children first!! God, it is that complicated huh?

At least my thumb didn’t swell anymore like the first time I bowled again 2 weeks ago, oooh, after a hiatus of about maybe about 6 months. My wrist doesn’t hurt anymore. Neither do my shoulders, back and thighs. And this year, I won’t take Nazzim and Sofia with me as it would be impossible to concentrate on the game with their whereabouts on my mind too. That does not include things such as "Papa, can I have an icecream?" or "Papa, I got to go real bad" or "Papa, where’s adik?" The last one could get me in the biggest trouble with their mother since that one time I forgot her birthday a couple of years ago.

So, come to the Sunway Megalanes this Saturday, 7 August 2004 at 1330 Hours (that’s 1.30 pm for you landlubbers) and see why Shalin and Kenny Ang should not have any worries at all. What, me worry?