Only When I Cry

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I felt like crying today. They have this thing at work they call the Management Committee (MC) Paper and I have been nursing this paper for the last week or so, full of colourful graphs and so on, just the way they like it, getting it signed by the appropriate high and mighty folks and suddenly I was told that our operating agreement with our partner made no provisions for us to do what we wanted to do – a sole risk project, meaning if our partner don’t agree with our proposal, we go it alone. I feel like crying. One year’s work down the tube. I really felt like crying.

I can’t remember when was the last time I cried. I did cry when Nazzim was born. I did cry when Sofia was born, I think, but don’t tell her. And I do cry sometimes when I watch movies, sad movies of course. Not necessarily Hindi movies but sad movies. Definitely not Malay movies. Malay movies, I laugh, hysterically, and it doesn’t matter what movie it is. Aaah, I remember crying when I was in college, in my senior year, with a midterm staring at me the next day, a lab report due and I have yet to study. Yeah, I cried then.

I didn’t cry when my father passed away. Didn’t have a chance to. It was ten days later that I knew of his passing. Nothing I could do about it. The family wanted to know if I wanted to come back home and they were worried about me. Worried about my studies. No, worried about my sanity I think. But all of that was in the past. That year, a few of us lost one or both of our parents. Time heals but once in a while I do think about him and wonder if he ever thought about me when I was away. Oh, my father does cry. As a matter of fact, my mother told me that he cried when I left. Maybe he knew that he would never see me again. I didn’t cry that day. I was too excited at the prospect of traveling to a new land, meeting new people and oh, meeting my friends who went off first. I remember him crying when my brother Najib died. Heavens, that was a long time ago!!!

Do real men cry? Aaah, to hell with it. Men do cry. With good reason, I guess. I’d say that I’d cry due to happiness sometimes. I’m pretty sure I’ll cry at Nazzim’s and Sofia’s graduations. At their weddings. At the birth of my first grandchild. God, I hope to live that long. God, I’m starting to think about corny things.

I guess I’d probably cry at some of the sufferings that we see on television and in the papers. With the advent of technology, we see suffering live. No five-second delay necessary. Unfortunately.

I remember when Nazzim was a toddler and I was carrying him and he saw me cry. He kept looking and looking and looking at my tears. I think someone died then but then again I think it could have been a Hindi movie. Or darned dust got into my eyes again…….

And I am certain that I will also cry on other occasions that I would not want to dwell upon. I am sure that I have made people cried. I know I made my parents cried when I was growing up. I know I have made Lina cried, but fortunately, the last time that happened was a long time ago. It was our first few years together and you know how silly can husbands be. But proud to say, I have never laid a hand on her. No reason to and don’t do that.

Anyways, I think I’ll just go over the corner and try to cry.




…………………no tears, none yet………………

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