Malay Movie Mageek
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In all our years of watching (and to a very large extend, not watching) Malay dramas and movies we (my friend Tiri and I) have concluded that most Malay movies must contain certain ingredients, characters, situations to be truly, truly, well, truly....... Malay.
First of all, there must be a Datuk (or Dato’), hence ada Datin dan adalah Anak Datuk (or Anak Dato’). Somehow Tan Sris are rather rare in the movies. The only reason I could think of why it is so is that bunyi “Tan Sri” ni tak commercial. Try saying “Tan Sri”, “Tan Sri”, “Tan Sri” a few times. It does not flow smoothly over the tongue like “Datuk” does. Go ahead, try it. Then try saying “Datuk”, “Datuk”, “Datuk” a few times. See what I mean? “Tun” is worse.
Datuk dengan Datin ni, kalau ada anak, biasanya seorang. One of the occupational hazards of being a Datuk and Datin is maybe that you are cursed to be barren. Kalau perempuan, rupa memang lawa, tak macam rupa Datuk. How is that possible? Maybe anak angkat or maybe the producer could not get a better looking Datuk. I have yet to see an ugly anak Datuk in the movies. An ugly Datuk is common. An ugly Datin not so common, usually the Datin is masih lawa lagi. Jambu lagi. Kalau tak, lama dah Datuk lari.
Anak Datuk ni, samada belajar kat London, atau baru balik dari London atau nak pergi London and untuk apa….? Pandai pun, nak tinggalkan boyfriend. Cakap hampir, haampiiir aje, macam orang London. Dalam drama atau wayang, jarang anak Datuk ni duduk London, sebab kalau duduk London, tak ada masalah dah. Dah hancur, so no problem there then. Kalau tak belajar dekat London, belajar dekat kolej swasta dalam negeri, bawa fail and buku ke hulu ke hilir ke hulu ke hilir and cakap pasal kuliah kuliah kuliah, kuliah kuliah kuliah. Kawan-kawan anak Datuk ni pun lawa lawa but never never lagi lawa dari anak Datuk tu. Hissshhhh, tak boleh!!! Selisih malaikat 44. Kadang-kadang ada “pensyarah” yang anak Datuk ni syokkan and selalu kacau. Of course it goes without saying that the “pensyarah” is a malaikat in disguise, baik nak mampus, pijak semut bukan tak mati, semut kata, "Huh, huh, what was that?" Dresses scruffily but semua orang suka “pensyarah” tu, especially anak Datuk tu.
The Datin is either baik nak mampus or jahat nak mampus. No Datin yang in between hidup lagi dalam wayang-wayang ni. Datin yang OK OK semua dah mati atau menyorok, takut-takut kalau ada producer ajak berlakun. Some busy high tea.
Nama Anak Datuk ni atau heroine mesti Maria or Aliya or Beyonce. Nama glamour2, lagi bagus kalau yang tergeliat lidah kalau disebut. Itulah Persatuan Tijah2 Malaysia nak protest, tak ada satu pun wayang atau drama Melayu dalam Malaysia ni yang anak Datuk atau heroine dia bernama Tijah, Joyah or Leha. Tak payah pakai Tijah, Joyah pun OKlah kalau dapat. Ini tak, asyik nama-nama tu aje yang dipakai. Maria Maria Maria. Aliya Aliya Aliya. Fatin Fatin Fatin. Fatin? Fatin? Fatin? Oooops, silap. Jangan marah ya Fatin2 sekelian. Tersilap category.....
Datuk ni mesti seorang businessman, punyai business, besaaaaaar. Juta-juta aje. USD and not Rupiah ya? Business apa? Biasanya tak disebut tapi yang clear, juta-juta and ada “projek”. “Projek” apa? Biasanya tak disebut tapi yang clear, “projek” tu besaaaaar, itulah sebab business besar. Projek bukan buat longkang tepi highway tau? Tu tak main….
Orang gaji bernama usually is named Mak Mah or Tijah. Note that the orang gaji’s name is never never glamorous. No producer worth worth his marbles is going to have an orang gaji bernama Kamelia or Nadia or Diyana in his movie. Usually the orang gaji has been with the family for 700 years and knows everything about the family that no one else knows, including the family.
Seorang tukang kebun come handyman who deprived a village somewhere of an idiot. Usually named Leman or Usop. Again, the name of the tukang kegun will never never be glamorous like Joe or Rizal or Danial. Always Leman Leman Leman, Leman Leman Leman…. Paling koman pun Fairuz. Usually ugly, a good looking tukang kebun or handyman is an impossibility. Like the Hollywood movies, pool men are usually hunks. Somehow drivers are invisible in Malay movies or dramas.
Minum fresh orange in a coffee house at a hotel. Ini mesti ada. The movie industry in Malaysia is responsible for single-handedly reviving the citrus industry of California and Florida. Bayangkan, tiap-tiap minggu satu negeri tengok orang-orang yang lawa, kacak dan kaya raya minum fresh orange di hotel lima bintang. Subconsciously, this will cause the whole nation to go forth to buy and drink fresh orange, though not necessarily at hotels lah. Technically, Malaysians might be responsible for the re-election of Bush since Malaysians are responsible for the success of agriculture which is an important industry in California and Florida and those two states are strong bastions of Dubya a.k.a. The Defender of the Gulf of Mexico, when he can find it. Get it? When he can find it? I crack myself up!!!!
Oh God, some local movie star is going to kill me for what I wrote above. Kalau movie star cute tak apa…… And that’s only half of it. I’ll keep the rest for another day….
.
In all our years of watching (and to a very large extend, not watching) Malay dramas and movies we (my friend Tiri and I) have concluded that most Malay movies must contain certain ingredients, characters, situations to be truly, truly, well, truly....... Malay.
First of all, there must be a Datuk (or Dato’), hence ada Datin dan adalah Anak Datuk (or Anak Dato’). Somehow Tan Sris are rather rare in the movies. The only reason I could think of why it is so is that bunyi “Tan Sri” ni tak commercial. Try saying “Tan Sri”, “Tan Sri”, “Tan Sri” a few times. It does not flow smoothly over the tongue like “Datuk” does. Go ahead, try it. Then try saying “Datuk”, “Datuk”, “Datuk” a few times. See what I mean? “Tun” is worse.
Datuk dengan Datin ni, kalau ada anak, biasanya seorang. One of the occupational hazards of being a Datuk and Datin is maybe that you are cursed to be barren. Kalau perempuan, rupa memang lawa, tak macam rupa Datuk. How is that possible? Maybe anak angkat or maybe the producer could not get a better looking Datuk. I have yet to see an ugly anak Datuk in the movies. An ugly Datuk is common. An ugly Datin not so common, usually the Datin is masih lawa lagi. Jambu lagi. Kalau tak, lama dah Datuk lari.
Anak Datuk ni, samada belajar kat London, atau baru balik dari London atau nak pergi London and untuk apa….? Pandai pun, nak tinggalkan boyfriend. Cakap hampir, haampiiir aje, macam orang London. Dalam drama atau wayang, jarang anak Datuk ni duduk London, sebab kalau duduk London, tak ada masalah dah. Dah hancur, so no problem there then. Kalau tak belajar dekat London, belajar dekat kolej swasta dalam negeri, bawa fail and buku ke hulu ke hilir ke hulu ke hilir and cakap pasal kuliah kuliah kuliah, kuliah kuliah kuliah. Kawan-kawan anak Datuk ni pun lawa lawa but never never lagi lawa dari anak Datuk tu. Hissshhhh, tak boleh!!! Selisih malaikat 44. Kadang-kadang ada “pensyarah” yang anak Datuk ni syokkan and selalu kacau. Of course it goes without saying that the “pensyarah” is a malaikat in disguise, baik nak mampus, pijak semut bukan tak mati, semut kata, "Huh, huh, what was that?" Dresses scruffily but semua orang suka “pensyarah” tu, especially anak Datuk tu.
The Datin is either baik nak mampus or jahat nak mampus. No Datin yang in between hidup lagi dalam wayang-wayang ni. Datin yang OK OK semua dah mati atau menyorok, takut-takut kalau ada producer ajak berlakun. Some busy high tea.
Nama Anak Datuk ni atau heroine mesti Maria or Aliya or Beyonce. Nama glamour2, lagi bagus kalau yang tergeliat lidah kalau disebut. Itulah Persatuan Tijah2 Malaysia nak protest, tak ada satu pun wayang atau drama Melayu dalam Malaysia ni yang anak Datuk atau heroine dia bernama Tijah, Joyah or Leha. Tak payah pakai Tijah, Joyah pun OKlah kalau dapat. Ini tak, asyik nama-nama tu aje yang dipakai. Maria Maria Maria. Aliya Aliya Aliya. Fatin Fatin Fatin. Fatin? Fatin? Fatin? Oooops, silap. Jangan marah ya Fatin2 sekelian. Tersilap category.....
Datuk ni mesti seorang businessman, punyai business, besaaaaaar. Juta-juta aje. USD and not Rupiah ya? Business apa? Biasanya tak disebut tapi yang clear, juta-juta and ada “projek”. “Projek” apa? Biasanya tak disebut tapi yang clear, “projek” tu besaaaaar, itulah sebab business besar. Projek bukan buat longkang tepi highway tau? Tu tak main….
Orang gaji bernama usually is named Mak Mah or Tijah. Note that the orang gaji’s name is never never glamorous. No producer worth worth his marbles is going to have an orang gaji bernama Kamelia or Nadia or Diyana in his movie. Usually the orang gaji has been with the family for 700 years and knows everything about the family that no one else knows, including the family.
Seorang tukang kebun come handyman who deprived a village somewhere of an idiot. Usually named Leman or Usop. Again, the name of the tukang kegun will never never be glamorous like Joe or Rizal or Danial. Always Leman Leman Leman, Leman Leman Leman…. Paling koman pun Fairuz. Usually ugly, a good looking tukang kebun or handyman is an impossibility. Like the Hollywood movies, pool men are usually hunks. Somehow drivers are invisible in Malay movies or dramas.
Minum fresh orange in a coffee house at a hotel. Ini mesti ada. The movie industry in Malaysia is responsible for single-handedly reviving the citrus industry of California and Florida. Bayangkan, tiap-tiap minggu satu negeri tengok orang-orang yang lawa, kacak dan kaya raya minum fresh orange di hotel lima bintang. Subconsciously, this will cause the whole nation to go forth to buy and drink fresh orange, though not necessarily at hotels lah. Technically, Malaysians might be responsible for the re-election of Bush since Malaysians are responsible for the success of agriculture which is an important industry in California and Florida and those two states are strong bastions of Dubya a.k.a. The Defender of the Gulf of Mexico, when he can find it. Get it? When he can find it? I crack myself up!!!!
Oh God, some local movie star is going to kill me for what I wrote above. Kalau movie star cute tak apa…… And that’s only half of it. I’ll keep the rest for another day….
.
posted by dudae_simboyo at 17:59
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